30 Letters in 30 Days: Day Seven - My Ex

Dear John,

          I wish I could tell you in this letter that I have forgiven you for everything. I wish I was a big enough person to say the words “I forgive you” and mean it. But I can’t, because I haven’t, because what you did to me was the definition of unforgivable. I am not bitter. I am not sad when I look back at our relationship. I am not angry. But I still cannot look back and smile like I can about other past relationships.

          I loved you so much. I did everything for you. For almost two years of my life the one thought that consumed my mind was “what can I do today to make John happy?” I also asked myself how I could make you treat me right like you did in the beginning, how I could make you love me again. But in the end I realized there was nothing I could do. Because there was nothing I had done to deserve what you did to me.

          While I sat there, terrified of college, terrified of going somewhere outside the bubble of our community, so scared of all the things that colleges meant, you cheated on me. With a girl I had known my whole life. And you lied about it. You somehow got all of our friends to lie to me about it too. And when I finally figured it out you convinced me it was a rumor, just another rumor started by people to tear us apart. It made sense, it was nothing we hadn’t dealt with before, and so I believed you. I freaking APOLOGIZED to her for accusing her!

          On top of the cheating and the lying there was the drug use which you also lied about (telling me you’re quitting pills is lying when you leave out the starting coke part) and the plain old treating me like crap. Maybe I could forgive you if you could give me a reason why. I’ve searched up and down looking for something I could have possibly done to deserve what you did to me but I am thoroughly convinced that no human being on this planet deserves what you put me through. I lost everything. I was put on academic probation because I was too caught up in trying to help you quit drugs to study or do my work. I lost the respect of my friends, family, coworkers, and myself. I lost at least a thousand dollars always paying for everything.

          I should hate you for what you did to me, but I don’t. I doubt I’ll ever forgive you for the hell you put me through (seriously, why didn’t you just break up with me?) but I can’t hate you. If it weren’t for you I might not appreciate what an amazing boyfriend I have. I wouldn’t be as close to your mother as I am. I wouldn’t understand why girls stay in emotionally abusive relationships. I do not hate you, I do not forgive you. But I do hope you are happy, at least that’ll mean I got what I wanted for all that time.

-me