So today’s blog is supposed to be a letter to who broke my heart the most…but I’ve already written that person a letter, and I’m kinda bumming tonight, so tonight is going to be a “Kat rambles on because it makes her feel better” night.
I went to my sister’s “adult toy” party, which I should have known was a bad idea. I’m not a particularly kinky person despite what some people who know me might assume. I’m the girl who could never be shocked by the lewd comments made by the guys at school because I had that perverted sense of humor. Most people think that I’m a pervert, but that really only extends to the humor section of my brain. Anywho. The night was, in a word, sucky.
First of all, I hate people who act drunk when they’re not drunk. HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE. There is no freaking reason to do that. All you do is make everyone in the room want to stab you and your fake drunkenness in the face. So stop it. Also, while you’re at it, stop with the semi drunken confessions. Especially telling me how bad you wish you and my cousin were back together. You CHEATED on him. You cheated on your best friend’s cousin. You cheated on your best friend’s cousin while he was at boot camp AND while he was fighting in Iraq. Wtf is wrong with you? He’s married. He has kids. You’re not getting him back. Shut the fuck up. NOW. I’m sick of hearing about it and I’m sure your boyfriend wouldn’t like it.
Secondly, I get that it’s a sex toy party. I understand that. But, I don’t need to know which dildo is your favorite or what flavor nipple cream your boyfriend prefers. I really don’t need to hear EVERYONE’S favorites. I seriously heard everyone around me (like 15 girls) shouting these things out.
Thirdly, I have known most of the girls at the party for years. Went to school with the vast majority, yet the only people who talk to me all night are my sister and her *drunken* friend. I literally spent the last 45ish minutes of the party sitting on the couch alone texting Sonya (and Douglas until he went to bed.) This pisses me off because if I was at a party and noticed that there was someone who seemed uncomfortable/lonely I would try very hard to include them, because no one wants to be the loner on the couch at the party. So I take that to mean that either a) I’m a lot nicer than I realize or b) the people at the party were all douche bags.
See, I’ve always known I have an issue with new people. I come from a rural area where everyone knows everyone from childhood. We go to school with a bunch of kids from first through fifth grade. In sixth grade the four elementary schools in the district merge into one middle school. About 150-200 kids per class. Small area right? Especially when I tell you that’s out of seven towns. So meeting new people is not something I am used to. I’m the girl who becomes friends with her friends’ friends, and tends to date within her circle of friends. My first year of college I discovered that I have no idea how to make friends with people I don’t know anything about, because where I’m from it doesn’t matter if you’ve met someone or not you know their life story.
I never realized until tonight that I can’t even engage people I’ve known for years. I kept hoping someone would talk to me. I know hoping isn’t doing much, if anything at all. But I didn’t know what to talk to these people about. I know their names and who they’re sleeping with and what town they live in, but they obviously know my sister and her best friends, and they knew I was her little sister because that’s how she introduced me to the, like, two people I didn’t know. So they know about me, or at least my family. That gives them a lot more to start with than “so how’s that guy you’re banging?”
Basically, tonight was a fail of epic proportions. I left feeling alone and rejected and pissed. And wondering what is wrong with me and why I can’t just make friends. When I’m with my friends I’m fearless, outgoing, loud, and a total goofball. I feel like that means that my friends are really my security blanket.
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