Notice: The following letter is written to a former classmate that committed suicide. If suicide is a sensitive topic for you I suggest thinking about that before you read today’s blog, or having someone who is close to you read it first and tell you if they whether or not they think it’s a good idea for you to read this. I mean no offense to anyone, least of all Colby and/or his family. I also apologize to those who are offended by cussing, I warn you now that I used the F bomb 3 times.
Dear Colby,
I would like to start this letter by saying I wish I had known you better. I wish we had been friends instead of just two kids who had a few friends in common and liked to joke around together in class. I feel like I knew you well enough to say you were an amazing guy, and the world is a better place for having had you, even if it was just for eighteen years. You were incredibly funny, and had the best facial expressions ever. I will never forget the day when Melinda said the simple sentence “but I look gooooooood” and your face said exactly what you thought about that. I remember your infectious laugh, the way you respected women (except for Ms Barry and Melinda of course.)
The next thing I have to say is what the fuck is wrong with you. Or, technically, what the fuck was wrong with you? Committing suicide while your parents were away celebrating their anniversary? When you knew your grandfather would be checking in on you? When your best friends and their parents are on your local rescue squad? That was like a giant “fuck you” to everyone who cared about you. Your poor mother, who somehow maintained her composure throughout your wake and funeral. Your sisters, who more or less worshiped the ground you walked on. Your two best friends since kindergarten. Their mother, who was the first on the scene. Your grandfather, who held your hand, even though you were gone, until your mother got home. These people loved you, apparently more than you ever imagined.
My nine year old cousin, Gabe, who is in school with one of your sisters, asked me a question that has haunted me ever since; “how could Colby do that to his sisters?” I hope you heard Christina that day, when she got her first deer on youth weekend. Everyone says the first words out of her mouth once she shot it were “thank you Colby.” She believed you brought that deer to her, and I believe as well. I’m sure it pained her to not have you there in that moment to celebrate. I’m sure it hurt you as well and that you were there with her, filled with pride.
I hope that there was a reason for what you did, although I don’t believe that there is anything that truly justifies suicide. I hope that what the priest said at your funeral was true; when he talked about how as children we play to the point of exhaustion, and then our fathers pick us up, and carry us home, and how he said that you were at the point of exhaustion, so your Heavenly Father picked you up and carried you home. I hope that whatever weight had been on your shoulders was lifted. I hope you found the peace you were unable to find here on earth.
I am not a religious person, but I do believe that there is some kind of existence after death. I know that wherever that existence is, you are watching over your sisters, friends, and family. I know you were watching that day as Jessie and I hid a comb and some chapstick in the bouquet of roses we brought to your burial, after discussing with your cousin how they should have combed the hat line out of your hair, and put chapstick on your lips that even in death looked painfully dry. I hoped you laughed when Autumn put the flowers on your casket, and we talked about how that way you could comb your hair and moisturize your lips.
I hope that someday far in the future, when my life is over we will meet again. I hope that you will be able to understand how much your death affected me, even though we didn’t know each other very well. I hope you will explain to me why you did what you did, because although it really isn’t any of my business, it’s one of those questions that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Rest in Peace Colby♥
-Kat
Note: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you are having thoughts about suicide please talk to someone about them, or go to www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call 1.800.273.8255, Americas National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. No matter what you believe, there are people who would be devastated to lose you. Unfortunately, no one had any idea Colby was suicidal. No one was able to help him. If you think someone you know may be suicidal, tell someone. Even if all you have to go on is your gut instinct. They might be mad at you at the beginning, but eventually they will be thankful you stopped them from making a huge mistake. |
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